One thing's for certain, anti-hero Craig Mawdsley will not be winning any CITIZEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS.
His life is a constant battle of trying to obtain money without having to work, gratifying his ceaseless SEXUAL IMPULSES, and trying to remain as stoned as possible on whatever substance is close to hand.
It's a Mawdsley's triangle, if you will - an abridged pyramid of basic human needs where EXTREME VIOLENCE awaits on every tier.
Craig even has a name for his terrible deeds - 'The Mawdsley Treatment'. And here for your reading displeasure is just a sample of its unfortunate recipients.
"STR8AWAY I spotted the pErFEcT ViCtIM what was going to SORT IT..."
STUDENTS - "Got a fucking problem with me singing, dickhead?" - A perennial Mawdsley favourite
ROLF HARRIS aka RALPH HORACE - "It started off with me doing a campaign of h8red against the Australian fudge dicker." - Craig is not a fan
GRANDMOTHERS - "I won't bore you with the details, but it was the standard arseshagging, blowjobbing, fisting, strangulation, watersports, S&Ming and shiteating what I photographed while I frigged meself up the arse with Windows Vista." - Craig's family won't leave him alone
ANIMALS - "The dirt flew so fucking hard out me gremlin it roared up the wombat's filthy fucking arse making it go ooooohhhhh like Yoda in that fucking shit Star Wars wank." - One of the many creatures to wind up on the business end of Craig's penis
VICTORIA BECKHAM - "I want to kneel over her face, yeah, slap me rock hard nob across each sucked-in cheek, then spray the biggest quantity of dirt me bollocks can squirt all over the Spice Girl slag's mouth and eyes and hair and nose and ears." - Craig taps into the Not Such An Innocent Girl's mysterious allure
BABIES - "I was shagging the arse of the preggers twat, like I said, when I suddenly felt this weird kind of 4ce around me bellend." - Craig rapes his pregnant stepmum - with HILARIOUS consequences
MATES - "There was this massive tearing sound and a big plop of water... The bathroom looked like an abattoir during the foot-and-mouth outbreak." - A friendship turns sour
THE TERMINALLY ILL - "I'm not leaving this house till you've jumped up and down on me nob till it's fucking bleeding, yeah? Now - where's your fucking bedroom and that?" - Craig tries to force an AIDS victim to have sex with him - with HILARIOUS consequences
MATTHEW KELLY - "I was laughing like a MadCunt as he clutched his savaged toilet area." - The light entertainer will have to be more careful next time
CRAIG MAWDSLEY - "The cunts could have done me a big favour by just fucking killing me. But they didn't fucking kill me, did they? They just put me in fucking hospital again." - Nobody gets the Mawdsley treatment worse than Mawdsley. So it all evens out, doesn't it?
